Sooooo…..here I am with my musing #2 about one of the key challenges that, in my experience, coaches or mentors can often face in the wholehearted endeavour of their practise. The theme of this article is the level of push/pull or level of being directive/non-directive. This is one of the most common topics I’ve come across. This challenge has come up often in my supervision practise and also when I’ve delivered coaching skills sessions to leaders and coaches.
The ‘Dance’ of Coaching Conversations…
Last time I floated what I love to call the ‘dance’ of the coaching conversation, a masterful and partnership focused approach. Within this I referred to what I’ve found is the key to mastering the ongoing art of balancing the ‘self, ‘ (coach), the other (the coachee)’ and the ‘context’, (purpose/objectives/current reality). This context may include various stakeholders, particularly the organisational context for ROI.
In many sessions over many years, this popular push/pull challenge has usually revealed itself in one of the following ways (and sometimes unconsciously!):
- Openly Directive – the urge to interject, interrupt and most commonly move into the murky disempowering waters of ‘advice’ or ‘telling’. The urge to relay our own idea of what we see as ‘best’ for the coachee or what they ‘need’;
- Sneaky Stealth – a much more ‘stealth’ and sneaky version of openly pushing or being directive. This can show up as asking questions or making comments that indirectly lead the coachee down a path we’ve decided is best for them;
- Sneaky ‘Suggestions’ – relaying our own path/experiences as if this is only way and we know is best for everyone, usually because this is what has worked for us in the past. Again this can manifest sneakily as a way to gently steer the coachee down a pre-determined route.
Now of course you may have agreements in contracting where your coachee or mentee has asked for direction, advice and/or wants to hear about specific experiences. In this context you may be completely in line with your coachees wants/needs and your agreements. However, I think it’s still valuable to be mindful of the degree of push/pull, particularly if this may be a way of coachees or mentees not owning their commitments, actions or self responsibility in some way.
What is ‘Best’?
What I’ve found from many years coaching and now supervising is the ‘best’ approach I can role model and practise is to ‘get myself of the way’. Getting off my own wants/preferences and creating and holding a truly open, empowering space for my clients.
This means acknowledging and internalising deeply that I DO NOT know what is ‘the way’ or best for anyone except myself. And holding the context that only we as individual human beings know inside of us what is so, what we really want and what (at any given moment) is best or a fit.
Are You Willing or In a Limiting Box?
When we get into any mindset or state where we’re believing we are obligated, something’s impossible, our own wants should be everyone else’s wants or there is only ‘one way’ to handle something. This is sadly where freedom can be diminished, empowerment minimised and the perception of what’s possible severely limited.
For me the coaching conversation is about my coachee or supervisees objectives, not mine. To have a truly empowering conversation it’s vital to continue to ask and focus on their wants, their perspective – not mine. For me, particularly in my early years of coaching, this has meant looking (sometimes uncomfortably) at my purpose for a particular ‘push’, usually resulting the revelation that I’m believing that MY way is the BEST way. This of course is complete BS!
Fear of the Unknown – Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable
One of things I noticed for myself (and have heard many, many times in supervision) is that really at the bottom of ‘I know best’, there can be a deep fear of the unknowns of a conversation. A fear of silence and then the ensuing fear driven urge to fill it. There can be a reluctance to let go of trying to control the direction because this means being fully open, not knowing and possibly hearing things we may not want or like. This also may mean we don’t know the ‘answer’ or may not know how to handle something when it arises. For some this can be a very fearful place, especially if we’re used to directing in other areas of our life or work.
However on the flip side I suggest there is a beautiful open space before things emerge of ‘possibility’. In the space of unknown there are infinite possibilities and in my experience as a coach one of these gems is I get to rely on my instinct, intuition, sense and build trust. I get to build, expand the trust in myself to be in the moment and handle whatever comes up. I also get to BE with my uncomfortableness and get the reality that I can easily handle this. Uncomfortable may be how I feel in this moment but this doesn’t mean this is not ok or indeed exactly how this moment is meant to be. Willingness and patience I have found really are my best friends here. There will always a continuous cycle of beginnings, evolutions and endings.
The Beauty of Practising ‘Getting Out of the Way’
And remember folks, I may be musing over this in a coaching context however in my experience the behaviour pattern of pushing or being directive is something we are likely doing in the rest of our life. Digging in to reveal what is really behind this behaviour is a golden opportunity to move into a space of creation and openness, rather than stay in a space of fear or perceived ‘control’.
What a golden nugget, I’m feeling gratitude and joy as I see the gift of learning on offer from coaching practise WoW!
What’s on Offer for You as a Coach or Mentor?
Here are 3 self-reflection steps to tune into what’s on offer for you in your coach or mentor practise:
- Reflection on Push/Pull – where do you ‘push’ your coachees or find it hard to resist the urge to be more directive? When are you really focused on what YOU want from the conversation and not your coachee? Are there any patterns to this?
- What’s Your Fear? – what’s the uncomfortableness if you don’t push, interject or make any attempt to direct the conversation? What are you afraid will happen? Be honest and specific about this…what are you believing will happen, worse case scenario. How would you handle this IF it happened…
- Be Open, be IN the conversation – what will it take for you to be IN the conversation and be open to whatever comes? What are 3 qualities that it would take for you listen deeply or ask questions to deeply understand? How could you live these qualities, bring them to life in your coaching practice?
Please do let me know your thoughts, feedback…I’d love to hear them!