Are you in 100%

We all like to have a good rant don’t we?  Especially at work – sometimes there can be a whole sub-culture which bonds people in the workplace or in a network.  How we love complaining about the process, how others shouldn’t have behaved, how different things should be.

My question is – who knows how anything or anyone should be?

In leadership, as a business leader or owner, complaining can have a serious impact on you and your team’s engagement.  Focusing on complaining and largely having a big fat NO to how things and others are, can seriously affect your time and alignment with your purpose – and ultimately this affects your results.

Of course sharing your thoughts and feelings is essential and this is an important part of connecting, discerning and collaborating; especially for the purpose of improving or developing.  However there is a big difference between stepping forward to assertively be heard and passively complaining or colluding.

I realised this week that as I wanted to create a big difference in my results – naturally this will require a big difference in what it is going to take to get there.  Change behaviour, change the result right?

I have had a tendency in the past to agree to a new commitment and then spend a time complaining because it isn’t how I want it to be.  This attitude and behaviour can seriously affect my results.  Whilst I’m using my vital energy and time complaining I’m not engaging 100%.  I’m focused on my complaints, not my goal.

This challenge is a topic that frequently comes up with clients in their leadership.  Which one are you focused on?

  • Alignment with Reality – it is how it is. We can get aligned with this, be present to what is and go for creating our desired result.  Be in 100%.  Or indeed choose a different path;

Or

  • Disengagement in Leadership – we are focused on what isn’t, what should be different and what we don’t like. Our result = dissatisfaction, resentment, valuable time and attention is away from our desired result.

This reminds me of the music industry years ago.  I remember a large amount of complaining about illegal downloading and how online companies shouldn’t be doing what they were doing.  This went on for some considerable time.  The cost was huge amounts of time and energy was spent on complaining – rather than realigning with the reality that the way people accessed music was significantly changing.  The industry was seriously on the back foot in bringing about new ways of marketing and selling music and lost a lot of profit as a result.

So…are you in 100%?

Come and explore how to identify and get aligned with reality.  Find out how you can be in 100% and create the results you want in your leadership.

Join me in a FREE 1:1 45minute discovery session!  I can’t wait to hear from you…

Book FREE 1:1 Coaching Discovery Session

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3 Ways to Question Yourself and Transform Conflict

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We all have conflicts don’t we?  This may be small reactions to what someone’s said or what’s being asked of us or they may be big ongoing disagreements with colleagues, family, friends that have resulted in total disconnection.

I don’t know about you but for me it can be rapid to go from feeling well, happy, content to suddenly – BAM I have a conversation and my back is up.  Someone has said or done something I don’t like or want and I am fuming, complaining, uptight, ranting, moaning and pretty quickly blaming them for what has happened.

This happened for me over the festive break.  I was really enjoying myself getting ready, about to get going with dinner and then I get a phone call.  Oh could you add this…and how about doing dinner like this…and do this…and do that…and actually I don’t want that, I want this.  All this 15mins before I was about to make a start.  I was fuming!

Pretty much straight away I felt my body tense up, my voice become curt and I hear myself agreeing (when I don’t really want to).  Then I hearing myself saying ‘well yes, but all that will take longer’, followed by a load of other no’s and negatives.   Then I don’t quite know what happened but I hear the person on the other end of the phone say in a very frustrated voice ’right, fine see you later’ and that’s it, no niceties, we hang up.  I come off the phone feeling angry, frustrated and wound up.  How could this happen?  This shouldn’t have happened today, how rude, inconsiderate and most of all how demanding of them.  How dare they?!

Then some other family arrive, they already known about the conflict and they are saying this person isn’t coming!  So now I’m getting: because this conflict has happened it has, from their perspective, ruined the day.  Great.  Merry Christmas!!!

To be quite honest, for a moment I didn’t know what to do.  I wanted to resolve this so we could all get back to enjoying being together, but at the same time I was fuming.  They should have said all those things, they should have offered support, they should have mentioned all this earlier, they should have said those things differently – they were wrong to behave like that and I am right to be angry about this.

Then it hit me, I am in a position.

This is what happens isn’t it?

We get into our ‘position’ and no way are we going to let them get away with this.  I’m right, your wrong.  This shouldn’t have happened.  Omnipotence.  I am going to defend my position at all costs!

Then it occurred to me that this is a recurring pattern for me and this person.  If we are going to be in conflict, this is generally how we end up.

Then in the next moment I thought NO!  I will not keep this going.  I am not going to do this anymore.  I know different, I have the knowledge and tools to choose a different path.  So I pick up the phone and call back and, before I know it, I am apologising.  I’m saying the truth which is: I do want to  hear what you want, your ideas, your contribution – however I found this difficult, a lot to take at short notice and I heard your requests as a list of demands.

Then, my gosh, the conversation was awesome.  We relay honestly what happened for each of us and I then hear the other person is saying ‘I’m sorry too, I realise it was a lot to say and ask at short notice’ and then we are talking, being real with each other – and it’s not conflict it’s connecting, really connecting.  I feel relived, pleased, empowered and free.

All is well.  And I’m really proud of how we transformed our conflict.

So as conflicts arise think about these 3 things that could transform your perspective:

  • Position – are you in a position, what are you holding onto that the other person had done ‘wrong’?
  • Truth – what’s the truth? Should something different have happened?  With your objective hat on, if you were being less all or nothing about this, what would you see?
  • Omnipotence – are you all seeing and all knowing? Really?  Do you really know how anything or anyone should be…?

The purpose here is to notice and question yourself, even if you are unwilling to get off your position.   Have a go and see what happens.

When you keep your position going, you keep the conflict going.

Come and explore how to transform your conflicts, in a warm and welcoming environment, and get focused on how to break the cycle.  Join me for an FREE online taster session for the Transforming Conflict course that I’m teaching at the end of January.  This is a FREE online taster on Tuesday 19th January 10:30-12:30pm.

I’d love to see you there!

FREE tickets here: Book FREE Online Taster for Transforming Conflict

 

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New Year Resolutions – Are you in or out?

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I have been reading lots of articles this week about how only 8% of people keep their new year’s resolutions and, refreshingly, a few about letting go of goals that are not serving us.  Great!  There’s nothing like checking-in to see that goals are still relevant and what we really want.

Being a bit of a purpose connoisseur so to speak (or so I like to think!), there is always something I am noticing and learning about my purpose(s).  Especially how this does or does not keep me on track with my goals.

Having a goal is wonderful however, purpose isn’t just about the final outcome for me.  Purpose is about noticing, getting aligned with reality, course correcting and then choosing again.  And again, and again, and again.  And this can be all within the same goal.  How often do we get into the all or nothingness of a goal?  And how much I wonder does this actually hinder progress, the quality of our experience and the final outcome?

For example, I had a massive project that I kicked off last year.  I mean it’s big – life changingly for myself and others.  So it took a lot for me to step-up, be visible and declare that this is what I am going for.  So I have a clear intention and an emotional attachment if you like to see this project come to fruition.  In hindsight, I realise I went into this with somewhat of an idealist attitude.

In my fantasy this was how it was all going to pan out…everyone is going to be immediately enthusiastic, encouraging and supportive.  They are all going to agree straight away, no one will be negative, no one will say  no, put any blocks in my way, ask me to change my vision etc.  I will hold my first meeting and everyone will be on board, turn up on time, respond to emails when I want them to…and from there it will evolve into this amazing world changing event…la la la…la la la.

Of course what I got was VERY different and quite frankly I found this tough to get past.  A few years ago this would have been a great excuse for me to give up and do something else instead.  I am clear now that I am not going to give up, but to keep my motivation and be willing to keep going is something else.

There is a much bigger picture here too, whatever we are doing with any goal big or small, we will be doing in other goals and areas of our lives.   This is true for me and all of us.

So whether you are changing jobs, creating something new, stepping up, improving fitness or losing a few pounds – how you respond and how you handle setbacks will impact the experience and the outcome.  This is it folks, this is your life.  You choose, always.

So you can course correct and go back in or go into one of my top 5 impossibility responses as a result of your ‘failure’:

  • Beat yourself up – drive yourself to do more harder, faster to make up for your ‘failure’
  • Indulgence – you have failed, any progress is futile, so why not consol yourself with a glass of wine or snack?
  • Resent – complain about how its everybody else fault that this has happened, they need to change or be different so you can be successful
  • Resignation – it’s impossible, it was never going to happen anyway, so you might as well give up right now
  • Denial/minimising – you never meant to go for that anyway, it was obviously unrealistic, better scale back so you don’t look like such a failure

 

OR how about this top 5 instead:

  • Reality check – Stop and review, check-in with yourself. What’s happened, what are the actual barriers?
  • Truth – What is the truth? Have you failed? How do you know you weren’t meant to get to your outcome this way?
  • Possibility – what can you learn from this? Are you willing to forgive yourself?  Even with any barriers you may be experiencing, what is possible if you were to forgive yourself and get back on board?
  • Way forward – what are the options to adjust, change course in light of what’s happened?  Are your setbacks going to require something different and if so, are you willing?

So what will you choose – in or out?  Go back to same habits of dropping or reducing your goal because you now believe it’s impossible OR get back on board with yourself.

Come and explore your goal challenges, in a warm and welcoming environment, get focused and empowered into possibility.  Join me for an FREE online taster session for The Power of Purpose course – on Saturday 16th January 10:30am-12:30pm.

I hope to see you there!

FREE tickets here: Book FREE Online Taster for Power of Purpose

Nicci Statham is an executive coach who specialises in changing behaviour, she is passionate about empowering clients to transform their results through changing their attitude and behaviour.  Follow her on Twitter @awareleadership.

You, no one else, creates what you have in your life.

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The Power of My Purpose

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I started writing this post thinking I should write something interesting, eye-catching – compelling even.  Instead I am choosing to share with you the truth, what teaching The Power of Purpose really means to me and what I think is possible from my own experience.

I took The Power of Purpose myself in early 2011 and I went in thinking YES!  this is the course for me.  I am going to have this one licked.  I am really goal orientated, I am determined and I’m achieving – what can this course possibly offer me that I don’t know already?  I went in believing I knew how to be purposeful and I’d just have a few extra tools to use to my advantage.

What I learned is that being mindful about purpose isn’t about ticking a list (I do like a ‘to do’ list) or how much I’m getting through in a day.  Being on Purpose is about being clear about what I REALLY want, my heartfelt purpose for wanting it and what that really means to me.  This empowers me to make discerning choices to stay on track.  Even if that’s challenging or doesn’t look like I thought it would.  I can always course correct.

My purposes now are mindful, deeper, grounded and held by a strong vision of what difference I want to make in the world – and to myself.

When life throws those (sometimes massive) curve balls, I now have the tools to get off the hamster wheel, stop beating myself up and get back on track.  It’s an ongoing daily purpose in itself to be conscious of my purpose and not get distracted by a number of other things that I could be doing instead or things that come my way (ooh look a shiny object!).

You see I grew up believing there was a certain way to be and a particular path to follow to be successful, and I believed I had to survive by playing along.  Get a good stable job, get good grades, get a pension – be setup for life etc.  The truth is I never wanted that.  I wanted more.  What I wanted was to have the freedom to find my own path, to put my energy into work that I cared deeply about and that for me would make the difference.    And I wanted to empower others to do the same.

So here it is…teaching this course for me is about freedom, reminding myself and teaching others to use the tools that will liberate them from a life of demands.  This is the difference I am committed to making in the world.  I want more people to know that they can motivate themselves by consciously choosing rather than driving themselves through fear of what they will be or look like if they fail.  I want more people to live and go for the life that they are truly capable of and not be limited by their beliefs about themselves, others or life.  I want people to know they always, always have a choice.

For me this powerful course is about mindfully raising awareness of what gets in the way of my deepest purposes so I can consciously choose what to do with this information – rather than getting carried along.  When I am on purpose in this way I am ‘at cause’ rather than ‘effect’ of what comes my way.  I see different possibilities, I get much more creative AND discerning.  And very importantly I get to be mindful, improve the quality of my experiences and I’m much more present to enjoy the journey!!!  This is such a different perspective to what can happen when I end up ‘just trying to get through’ or driving myself to do more and more, quicker and quicker.  When I am in that frame of mind whatever I do isn’t enough.

We all have our own story and the truly amazing things is our story can be a powerful basis for our life purpose.  This is what I am learning now.  I am looking forward to hearing some of the stories, wants, challenges and visions for those who will be on the journey with me in the next Power of Purpose course.

Come along to a taster event running in Hertfordshire on Tuesday 10th November 4:30-6:30pm

FREE tickets here: FREE Power of Purpose taster – book!

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Changing Leadership Behaviour

change outcomes

I was chatting to someone from a design agency this week and we got into this conversation about behavioural change.  We were discussing how important it is to align executive/senior leadership behaviour with brand core values.  Especially as many companies invest heavily in brand design and development.

I remember at one point he said, well yes it’s hard to ‘get people to change’.  As I said to him ‘getting someone’ to do anything or change is something that rarely works in the long-term.  And it is pretty presumptuous.  Change is a choice, always.

It is so important to ensure that executives and senior teams are actively committed to role modelling brand values.  We copy what we see, right?  However leadership teams behave, that’s what will be played out day-to-day throughout the company culture.

Role modelling isn’t about being perfect or getting something ‘right’.  It’s about a commitment to being conscious of one’s own behaviour and proactively working towards growth (and brand alignment).

The cost of not doing so can be big, particularly with customers.  For example: if one of your core values is integrity, yet the company culture is to not call customers back, not be honest about mistakes or product suitability, not stay in communication when you can’t deliver, not keep your word – the result can be a huge loss of reputation.  Just look what happened to banks with the financial crisis or more recently energy companies.

So how does one change habits, particularly habits and behaviour that may have been around in our lives for 20, 30, 40 + years?

Here are 3 recommendations to start you off:

  1. Willingness – ask do you really want to change your behaviour? It may be a nice idea, aspirational even – but is it something you actual want to do?  Being totally honest with yourself is the crucial first step.  Once you are clear about this you can make a conscious choice to go forward.  Thoughts such as ‘I should’ or ‘I have to’ can indicate a state of obligation not willingness
  2. Definition – what is it that you actually want to change? The important thing is to be extremely specific.  Define your actual step-by-step behaviour in a scenario that is usually challenging for you.  Be honest!  Definitions such as ‘stop procrastinating’ or ‘don’t react aggressively’ are great, however they are too ambiguous for you to be able to pin point when they are happening in the moment
  3. Practise – this is where you get to play! Once you have defined the behaviour you want to change, the game is to practise, practise and practise.  Practise NOTICING when you are doing the behaviour you want to change, this is critical and powerful part.  When you NOTICE, you have the opportunity to make a different choice.  Then keep practising…it may take hours, months, years even and every little bit counts.  Whether you change something or not, the challenge will be to go back in and have another go – one more time.

The wonderful thing about changing behaviour is that you will always have ‘one more time’ – you will always have another opportunity no matter how long it takes.

Now that’s something to be grateful for…

 

If you’d like some insight into your leadership behaviour – or to get clear on what to change and how.  I am offering a limited number of FREE 45min insight sessions during August…

http://behaviourinsight.questionpro.com/

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