Are you in 100%

We all like to have a good rant don’t we?  Especially at work – sometimes there can be a whole sub-culture which bonds people in the workplace or in a network.  How we love complaining about the process, how others shouldn’t have behaved, how different things should be.

My question is – who knows how anything or anyone should be?

In leadership, as a business leader or owner, complaining can have a serious impact on you and your team’s engagement.  Focusing on complaining and largely having a big fat NO to how things and others are, can seriously affect your time and alignment with your purpose – and ultimately this affects your results.

Of course sharing your thoughts and feelings is essential and this is an important part of connecting, discerning and collaborating; especially for the purpose of improving or developing.  However there is a big difference between stepping forward to assertively be heard and passively complaining or colluding.

I realised this week that as I wanted to create a big difference in my results – naturally this will require a big difference in what it is going to take to get there.  Change behaviour, change the result right?

I have had a tendency in the past to agree to a new commitment and then spend a time complaining because it isn’t how I want it to be.  This attitude and behaviour can seriously affect my results.  Whilst I’m using my vital energy and time complaining I’m not engaging 100%.  I’m focused on my complaints, not my goal.

This challenge is a topic that frequently comes up with clients in their leadership.  Which one are you focused on?

  • Alignment with Reality – it is how it is. We can get aligned with this, be present to what is and go for creating our desired result.  Be in 100%.  Or indeed choose a different path;

Or

  • Disengagement in Leadership – we are focused on what isn’t, what should be different and what we don’t like. Our result = dissatisfaction, resentment, valuable time and attention is away from our desired result.

This reminds me of the music industry years ago.  I remember a large amount of complaining about illegal downloading and how online companies shouldn’t be doing what they were doing.  This went on for some considerable time.  The cost was huge amounts of time and energy was spent on complaining – rather than realigning with the reality that the way people accessed music was significantly changing.  The industry was seriously on the back foot in bringing about new ways of marketing and selling music and lost a lot of profit as a result.

So…are you in 100%?

Come and explore how to identify and get aligned with reality.  Find out how you can be in 100% and create the results you want in your leadership.

Join me in a FREE 1:1 45minute discovery session!  I can’t wait to hear from you…

Book FREE 1:1 Coaching Discovery Session

3 Ways to Question Yourself and Transform Conflict

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We all have conflicts don’t we?  This may be small reactions to what someone’s said or what’s being asked of us or they may be big ongoing disagreements with colleagues, family, friends that have resulted in total disconnection.

I don’t know about you but for me it can be rapid to go from feeling well, happy, content to suddenly – BAM I have a conversation and my back is up.  Someone has said or done something I don’t like or want and I am fuming, complaining, uptight, ranting, moaning and pretty quickly blaming them for what has happened.

This happened for me over the festive break.  I was really enjoying myself getting ready, about to get going with dinner and then I get a phone call.  Oh could you add this…and how about doing dinner like this…and do this…and do that…and actually I don’t want that, I want this.  All this 15mins before I was about to make a start.  I was fuming!

Pretty much straight away I felt my body tense up, my voice become curt and I hear myself agreeing (when I don’t really want to).  Then I hearing myself saying ‘well yes, but all that will take longer’, followed by a load of other no’s and negatives.   Then I don’t quite know what happened but I hear the person on the other end of the phone say in a very frustrated voice ’right, fine see you later’ and that’s it, no niceties, we hang up.  I come off the phone feeling angry, frustrated and wound up.  How could this happen?  This shouldn’t have happened today, how rude, inconsiderate and most of all how demanding of them.  How dare they?!

Then some other family arrive, they already known about the conflict and they are saying this person isn’t coming!  So now I’m getting: because this conflict has happened it has, from their perspective, ruined the day.  Great.  Merry Christmas!!!

To be quite honest, for a moment I didn’t know what to do.  I wanted to resolve this so we could all get back to enjoying being together, but at the same time I was fuming.  They should have said all those things, they should have offered support, they should have mentioned all this earlier, they should have said those things differently – they were wrong to behave like that and I am right to be angry about this.

Then it hit me, I am in a position.

This is what happens isn’t it?

We get into our ‘position’ and no way are we going to let them get away with this.  I’m right, your wrong.  This shouldn’t have happened.  Omnipotence.  I am going to defend my position at all costs!

Then it occurred to me that this is a recurring pattern for me and this person.  If we are going to be in conflict, this is generally how we end up.

Then in the next moment I thought NO!  I will not keep this going.  I am not going to do this anymore.  I know different, I have the knowledge and tools to choose a different path.  So I pick up the phone and call back and, before I know it, I am apologising.  I’m saying the truth which is: I do want to  hear what you want, your ideas, your contribution – however I found this difficult, a lot to take at short notice and I heard your requests as a list of demands.

Then, my gosh, the conversation was awesome.  We relay honestly what happened for each of us and I then hear the other person is saying ‘I’m sorry too, I realise it was a lot to say and ask at short notice’ and then we are talking, being real with each other – and it’s not conflict it’s connecting, really connecting.  I feel relived, pleased, empowered and free.

All is well.  And I’m really proud of how we transformed our conflict.

So as conflicts arise think about these 3 things that could transform your perspective:

  • Position – are you in a position, what are you holding onto that the other person had done ‘wrong’?
  • Truth – what’s the truth? Should something different have happened?  With your objective hat on, if you were being less all or nothing about this, what would you see?
  • Omnipotence – are you all seeing and all knowing? Really?  Do you really know how anything or anyone should be…?

The purpose here is to notice and question yourself, even if you are unwilling to get off your position.   Have a go and see what happens.

When you keep your position going, you keep the conflict going.

Come and explore how to transform your conflicts, in a warm and welcoming environment, and get focused on how to break the cycle.  Join me for an FREE online taster session for the Transforming Conflict course that I’m teaching at the end of January.  This is a FREE online taster on Tuesday 19th January 10:30-12:30pm.

I’d love to see you there!

FREE tickets here: Book FREE Online Taster for Transforming Conflict

 

The Cost of Complaining

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I thought I would share my purpose for the Transforming Conflict course I have coming up – as I have a massive passion for the impact this knowledge can have in our world.

I designed this new course because I am acutely aware of the cost of carrying on complaining, blaming, resenting and repeating behaviours in my own life.

Someone close to me said the other day (after a large amount of ranting and complaining on my part about numerous things that weren’t happening), well ‘sometimes you have to do things to get through’.  I had a huge shock!  Right there in that moment I thought…gosh that is exactly the sense I had in myself ‘getting through’.  Survival.

I realised that if I can carrying on complaining, being a victim of circumstance and resenting somebody or something for what I haven’t got.  What I get is a ‘hard done by’ attitude, I get to avoid handling things, I get to collude, complain, avoid being honest with myself and most importantly avoid responsibility for my part.

OR I can, in every moment I notice my complaining, choose to (through powerful awareness) get off and break the cycle.  I can make powerful choices about what is so for me, what I want, how I want to live and go for that – even if it doesn’t look like I thought it would.    I can say NO to carrying on this behaviour right now in this moment.  That’s all it takes to create a different way of behaving day by day.

What I get with that is possibility, creativity, openness, connection and freedom.

I mean how many people have events in their lives that they didn’t want or they haven’t got exactly what they thought they should get.  They are then aggrieved, maligned, frustrated, resentful, angry at themselves and/or others and the world.

You see this creates something in our world…anger, retaliation, conflict, lovelessness, separateness, hard-heartedness, a demand to control events, demanding of ourselves and others…fighting…all to discharge the pain of resentment.

How often have you withheld, retaliated, avoided out of frustration to ‘pay back’ someone or life for what you have or haven’t got?

When we each carrying this on in our every day lives, even at a minimal level, we create what we have in our world.  In our own individual worlds and in the world at large.

So this is my heartfelt, passionate purpose for bringing this knowledge to the world through Transforming Conflict.

I want to share powerful tools and another way of being in our world.

I refuse to carry on the cycle.  What about you?

Come and explore this in my Transforming Conflict Taster Session on Wednesday 2nd December 10am-12:30pm.  Book a FREE Place Here

We will look at how to identify and transform the behaviours we get into, find a different way to be and create different results.

The powerful Transforming Conflict course is running on Thursday 17th December, to book click here: Book Course Dec2015

Please book early, this will be a small group, so places will be limited.

BE the change you want to see in the world…

Are you Judge and Jury?

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How often do we – as soon as someone says or does something we don’t like – make a fundamental judgement about what sort of person they are and what, in fact, they should have said or done instead?

I sent a text message to a colleague of mine a few weeks ago, a nice friendly message asking what she’d been up to and sharing about some really important events that are happening for me.  I received a reply nearly 10 days later, to which I thought…what?  Why has it taken you nearly 10 days to reply?

I felt aggrieved, irritated and really disappointed.  Right in that moment my assessment was that her behaviour is ignorant, rude, inconsiderate, disconnected, uncaring, selfish even.  I also made a judgement that she should have replied sooner or at the very least provide some explanation of why she did not respond for ages.

Sound familiar?

I challenge you to think about a recent event where you were irritated with someone.  What is your assessment about them and what they should have said or done?

It seems such a natural thing and a way of life in our world to make those assessments and ultimately judgements about others.  We know better!  We know really how someone else should have behaved and what they really should have said or done.

I wonder though is that assessment and those judgements going to cloud our perception of that person?  The next time we see or speak to them, won’t those judgements come alive again – accompanied by irritation and/or a range of other negative emotions.

The thing about those judgements is, are they really true?  I know for me my colleague is definitely not rude, ignorant, inconsiderate, uncaring or selfish – quite the opposite actually.

The sad thing is if I don’t tell the truth about my judgements it is highly likely when I am next in contact with my colleague I will hold those judgements against her.  Then I am likely to hold back, be distant, be closed and unwilling to connect.

So what about you?  What do your assessments and judgements mean for your relationships?

Do you want to hold onto them and disconnect?

Come and explore this in more detail in my Transforming Conflict Taster Session on Wednesday 2nd December 10am-12:30pm.

We will look at how to identify and transform our judgements and bring about a different connection when someone says or does something we don’t like.

Please book early as this will be a small group so places will be limited!

Book a FREE Place

BE the change you want to see in the world…

The Blame Game

 

 

Come to a taster session to transform how you can get off your blaming position, resolve conflicts and create powerful connecting solutions.

I’d love to see you there!

Here’s the link to book in for FREE taster. Friday 20th November in Hertfordshire https://conflicttasternov15.eventbrite.co.uk

The Power of Forgiveness

Forgiveness is for us

I wondered this week how the holding of resentment can get in the way of us being the powerful, amazing leaders that we really are.

If we are resenting and judging others for what they did or didn’t do – what does this do to our willingness to build relationships, collaborate and to keep doing so when the going gets tough?

Even if a relationship or partnership doesn’t work out, what happens if we carry around that resentment into our next venture – because of course we’re not going to let that happen again are we? No way.

What is the cost though? Does our resentful behaviour really get us that pay off of superiority, being the victim or many other things that may boost our pseudo self-esteem?

Do we get to avoid being real, honest or even vulnerable ourselves?

The cost of holding onto this type of resentment in leadership, I suggest, may actually keep us from the very thing that we truly want.  And it may relieve us from stepping up our game – and claiming our true amazing capacity as a leader…