Nicci's Blog Archives - Aware Leadership

Trust As A Coach – Game Changer!

Heeellloooo…..so here I am with my musing #3 about one of the key challenges that, in my experience, coaches or mentors can often face in the wholehearted endeavour of their practise. The theme of this article is the much coveted subject of trusting oneself to respond, engage, give feedback and most of all be yourself. For me this means your capacity, capability and most of all gut instinct, sense or intuition. This is by far the most common theme and topic that arises with my coaching supervision clients – not as a presenting piece but manifests often as holding back, giving much more ‘support’ than ‘challenge’ and/or struggling to stay present.

The ‘Sweet Spot’ of Coaching Conversations…

I work very much as a coach aligned with my ongoing commitment of continuing to aim for the ‘sweet spot’ in coaching conversations. And this ‘frame’ is predominately what I work with as a supervision tool with my coaching clients. This is the purpose of always aiming for this beautiful, delicate balance of: the self (bringing myself 100% to the conversation), the other (being aligned 100% with who/where they really are) and the context (purpose, wider context/systems, current reality and any agreements). For me this matters because:

Self – if I don’t fully ‘show up’ I’m not being real, open, honest with my client and thus my falseness/pretence shows up instead. This means how I ‘present’ is a false persona engaging in the conversation, not the real me. The consequence of this is that the conversation may not be based in ‘reality’ and not addressing what’s really going on. I’m also significantly more likely to behave in ways that serve my pretence, not my client;
Other – if I’m unaware of what’s going on for me (as above) or I am under the illusion that I know how my client should be or behave – I am not aligned with the reality of who, how or where they actually ARE. The consequence of this is that again my pretence or judgements/illusions are now running the show. Again I’m significantly more likely to behave in ways that serve ME and my idea of how they ‘should be’, not the actual client in front of me;
Context – if I’m unaware of what’s going on for me (as above) and go off on my own trajectory or I forget or avoid upholding contracting agreements (including boundaries, wider objectives, client objectives) – I am thus missing the reality of the context. I’ve gone off on a different path, potentially not in partnership or agreement with my client and again my focus may become serving my purposes rather than the client.

I have found the wonderful thing is about this aim is…this is an ongoing dance of self mastery and skill to balance. Plus life or events that evolve in coaching conversations will always let us know if something is ‘off’ in this delicate balance. This could be our client behaves differently, disengages, we feel uncomfortable or off balance and/or an issue of some sort arises. For me this IS the graceful and beautiful flow of the coaching conversation and highlights the crucial important of self-awareness/development for coaches.

Master and Know Thyself

I’ve found over time that my ability to hit the mark or this sweet spot is very much dependant on my ability and willingness to master my ‘self’. This means continuingly letting go of any notions that I know how anything should be and being with things as they really are. ‘Real’ reality as my coach calls it. As above, this is in terms of my (self), client and the context. This still applies even if I’m challenged, uncomfortable or disliking what I’m seeing/hearing.

At the crux of this self mastery is my willingness to keep challenging, learning and being open minded – and most importantly open hearted. And the essential to this mastery I’ve found is the willingness to trust me, my instinct, sense, gut feeling. I have found even if my instinct isn’t bang on, my willingness to trust it can dramatically open up a conversation. This focus on not holding back has included challenging, supporting and the heartfelt acknowledgement of the other soul I see in front of me – doing their best. This has also included me feeding back what I’m seeing even if this is uncomfortable. Or indeed if this may lead to results that I don’t like or want. I’ve found the most transformational, powerful and connecting coaching conversations I have had occurred when I’ve said what seemed fearful, silly or obvious.

What’s on Offer for You as a Coach or Mentor?

Here my 3 trusting thyself ‘I’s’ to self-reflection on and be courageous in actively practising:

Intuition/Sense – we all have this, for some its more of a ‘sense’ of something…however whatever this is for you and when you get that urge to say what’s popped into your head or heart…Go for it! There may be a discernment of course as to whether this is in alignment with the purpose of the session or context of coaching, however even if it wasn’t I suggest you’ll find out pretty quickly from the results you get. Be brave!
Instinct – now for me this can be a different beast, sometimes it literally is a feeling in my gut and at other times it’s a sense of/intuition for what’s needed, wanted or evolving in my clinet’s behaviour or the context. Again there may be a discernment, either way TRUST IT/YOU;
Interpretation – now this is the one that I find can be more of an art and takes a higher degree of self-awareness and willingness to challenge oneself. This is the art of separating the ‘data’, (i.e. what you heard your client actually say or do) and your interpretation of this. This is important because it can be a very human thing to ‘add on’ meaning to what is said/done. So do take time to notice any differences here because this will highlight a golden nugget for you – any beliefs or stories you may have created (from your own experiences).

I hope this musing ignites, evokes or resonates something in you and for you.

Please do let me know your thoughts, feedback…I’d love to hear them!

By Nicci

Push/Pull in Coaching – Do You Really Know Best?

Sooooo…..here I am with my musing #2 about one of the key challenges that, in my experience, coaches or mentors can often face in the wholehearted endeavour of their practise. The theme of this article is the level of push/pull or level of being directive/non-directive. This is one of the most common topics I’ve come across. This challenge has come up often in my supervision practise and also when I’ve delivered coaching skills sessions to leaders and coaches.

The ‘Dance’ of Coaching Conversations…

Last time I floated what I love to call the ‘dance’ of the coaching conversation, a masterful and partnership focused approach. Within this I referred to what I’ve found is the key to mastering the ongoing art of balancing the ‘self, ‘ (coach), the other (the coachee)’ and the ‘context’, (purpose/objectives/current reality). This context may include various stakeholders, particularly the organisational context for ROI.

In many sessions over many years, this popular push/pull challenge has usually revealed itself in one of the following ways (and sometimes unconsciously!):

Openly Directive – the urge to interject, interrupt and most commonly move into the murky disempowering waters of ‘advice’ or ‘telling’. The urge to relay our own idea of what we see as ‘best’ for the coachee or what they ‘need’;
Sneaky Stealth – a much more ‘stealth’ and sneaky version of openly pushing or being directive. This can show up as asking questions or making comments that indirectly lead the coachee down a path we’ve decided is best for them;
Sneaky ‘Suggestions’ – relaying our own path/experiences as if this is only way and we know is best for everyone, usually because this is what has worked for us in the past. Again this can manifest sneakily as a way to gently steer the coachee down a pre-determined route.

Now of course you may have agreements in contracting where your coachee or mentee has asked for direction, advice and/or wants to hear about specific experiences. In this context you may be completely in line with your coachees wants/needs and your agreements. However, I think it’s still valuable to be mindful of the degree of push/pull, particularly if this may be a way of coachees or mentees not owning their commitments, actions or self responsibility in some way.

What is ‘Best’?

What I’ve found from many years coaching and now supervising is the ‘best’ approach I can role model and practise is to ‘get myself of the way’. Getting off my own wants/preferences and creating and holding a truly open, empowering space for my clients.

This means acknowledging and internalising deeply that I DO NOT know what is ‘the way’ or best for anyone except myself. And holding the context that only we as individual human beings know inside of us what is so, what we really want and what (at any given moment) is best or a fit.

Are You Willing or In a Limiting Box?

When we get into any mindset or state where we’re believing we are obligated, something’s impossible, our own wants should be everyone else’s wants or there is only ‘one way’ to handle something. This is sadly where freedom can be diminished, empowerment minimised and the perception of what’s possible severely limited.

For me the coaching conversation is about my coachee or supervisees objectives, not mine. To have a truly empowering conversation it’s vital to continue to ask and focus on their wants, their perspective – not mine. For me, particularly in my early years of coaching, this has meant looking (sometimes uncomfortably) at my purpose for a particular ‘push’, usually resulting the revelation that I’m believing that MY way is the BEST way. This of course is complete BS!

Fear of the Unknown – Getting Comfortable with Being Uncomfortable

One of things I noticed for myself (and have heard many, many times in supervision) is that really at the bottom of ‘I know best’, there can be a deep fear of the unknowns of a conversation. A fear of silence and then the ensuing fear driven urge to fill it. There can be a reluctance to let go of trying to control the direction because this means being fully open, not knowing and possibly hearing things we may not want or like. This also may mean we don’t know the ‘answer’ or may not know how to handle something when it arises. For some this can be a very fearful place, especially if we’re used to directing in other areas of our life or work.

However on the flip side I suggest there is a beautiful open space before things emerge of ‘possibility’. In the space of unknown there are infinite possibilities and in my experience as a coach one of these gems is I get to rely on my instinct, intuition, sense and build trust. I get to build, expand the trust in myself to be in the moment and handle whatever comes up. I also get to BE with my uncomfortableness and get the reality that I can easily handle this. Uncomfortable may be how I feel in this moment but this doesn’t mean this is not ok or indeed exactly how this moment is meant to be. Willingness and patience I have found really are my best friends here. There will always a continuous cycle of beginnings, evolutions and endings.

The Beauty of Practising ‘Getting Out of the Way’

And remember folks, I may be musing over this in a coaching context however in my experience the behaviour pattern of pushing or being directive is something we are likely doing in the rest of our life. Digging in to reveal what is really behind this behaviour is a golden opportunity to move into a space of creation and openness, rather than stay in a space of fear or perceived ‘control’.

What a golden nugget, I’m feeling gratitude and joy as I see the gift of learning on offer from coaching practise WoW!

What’s on Offer for You as a Coach or Mentor?

Here are 3 self-reflection steps to tune into what’s on offer for you in your coach or mentor practise:

Reflection on Push/Pull – where do you ‘push’ your coachees or find it hard to resist the urge to be more directive? When are you really focused on what YOU want from the conversation and not your coachee? Are there any patterns to this?
What’s Your Fear? – what’s the uncomfortableness if you don’t push, interject or make any attempt to direct the conversation? What are you afraid will happen? Be honest and specific about this…what are you believing will happen, worse case scenario. How would you handle this IF it happened…
Be Open, be IN the conversation – what will it take for you to be IN the conversation and be open to whatever comes? What are 3 qualities that it would take for you listen deeply or ask questions to deeply understand? How could you live these qualities, bring them to life in your coaching practice?

Please do let me know your thoughts, feedback…I’d love to hear them!

By Nicci

Boundaries In Coaching – Do You Show Up?

Loving Being a Supervisor!

So…..I’ve been a practising executive coach for over 16 years now and a coaching supervisor for at least 7 of those years – informally. However after immersing myself in a supervision qualification, I’ve now been more formally providing coaching supervision over the last 12 months. And I absolutely love it!!! Digging deeper, immersing myself in the growth context 😍.

Thus I’ve decided to write a series of articles about the key challenges that, in my experience, coaches can face in the often wholeheartedly passionate endeavour of their coaching practise. All of the coaches I’m supervising care deeply about their practise and want to empower and be the best they can be for their coachees.

The ‘Dance’ of Coaching Conversations…

In providing supervision one of the key elements or models that I refer to is how coaches are serving the coaching conversation – which is really where the magic happens. This may be prior to or within the coaching sessions themselves, it’s all playing its part in the ‘dance’ of coaching. What I’ve found is key is the art of balancing the ‘self, ‘ (coach), the other (the coachee)’ and the ‘context’, (purpose/objectives/current reality). This context may include various stakeholders, particularly the organisational context or purpose/ROI for internal coaches.

One of the predominant areas that arises frequently in supervision is a certain piece about contracting – and that is ‘boundaries’. And within this usually, three different areas of boundaries:

Initial Contracting – did I make clear agreements with my coachee, including logistics, terms and how the relationship with work, objectives/measures, where my skill set and/or style is, any exclusions or other terms etc
Ethical – when something came up that was a conflict or an ethical challenge for me, my client or the context: was I clear and open about my perspective, openly addressing the challenge, collaborating and/or agreeing a way forward. Was I upfront and transparent about my skill set and/or anything else that was part of the context…
Presence – this for me is the big one that often gets overlooked and can come up in the coaching conversation and/or within ethical challenges. How did I actually uphold my own boundaries, our agreements or that of the organisation? Did I speak up when they were crossed, when I noticed a conflict? Did I have an open, honest conversation about what was really going on…did I (self) really show up?

Crucial Contracting…

As we all know as coaches, the boundaries identified in contracting are vital to define and agree to be able to then uphold them in the coaching context. Often my supervisees bring a challenge to supervision that highlights the consequence(s) of not doing so. There can be much self condemnation about this, although my perspective is this the beauty of learning and growing as a coach. One way or another what’s revealed in the reality of coaching conversations is always letting us know what may have been missed. And this provides the fertile ground in which we learn the power of self-reflection and to adapt, adjust to better serve our coachees.

An example: I’ve had a few supervision clients who’ve had the challenge of their coachee talking, talking, talking. Being unclear, flitting about, not focused on one particular topic/goal for the session. Commonly there’s a reluctance to step in, speak up and be the one to stop the conversation and re-purpose. For some this has highlighted ‘loose’ contracting in terms of setting clear objectives/outcomes and for others this has highlighted an opportunity to build confidence and trust in the ‘self’ as a coach. And crucially stay with the ‘context’ of the role of a coach. For some this has also highlighted that more clarity is needed on what their ‘role’ is, this is especially true I’ve found for newer coaches.

Presence – When Your ‘Self’ as a Coach Doesn’t Fully Show Up

So there’s a big impact to not fully showing up in the ‘dance’ of the coaching conversation. As above, our coachee may get lost and not have clarity about their purpose for coaching. This may highlight contracting discrepancies, and most vitally miss the context of the purpose of the coaching conversation. I’m being dramatic here about the ‘miss’ to demonstrate impact, however if our intent as coaches is to best serve our coachee and meet the coaching outcomes – how can we do this if we lose our ‘self’ in the conversation? I remember for myself this is something I’ve worked on for many years, still do at times! I am always asking myself or noticing where I’ve held back or didn’t fully commit to being both fully present and real in the conversation. For if I am not real, not telling my coachees or supervisees the truth…who am I really serving?

The Courage and Willingness to ‘Show Up’

It strikes me that the essence of my own presence and willingness to address, challenge ethics or other elements of the conversation is really about being open. Being open, transparent and bold to have whatever dialogue is necessary. This may be to name what I’m seeing, be vulnerable and collaborate to resolve this WITH clients. The most transformative skill I’ve learnt as a coach and as a supervisor is self-trust. Trusting my gut, instinct and heart to say what is so for me and encourage, open the conversation for my coachees/supervisees. For me this is even more important as a supervisor as I see my role partly as role modelling effective ethics, boundaries and contracting. In this being aware of my own values and limits is vital to be able best serve any ensuing dialogue in the supervision (or coaching) conversation.

The Beauty of Practising Greater Presence

And remember folks, I may be musing over this in a coaching context, for coaches – however in my experience the behaviour pattern of not initiating, holding or speaking up about boundaries is something we are likely doing in the rest of our life! What a golden nugget, however we grow as a coach – our whole life gets the benefits – in our relationship with ourselves and others. Joyful!

What’s on Offer for You as a Coach?

So here’s 3 self-reflection steps to tune into what’s on offer for you in your coaching practise:

Reflection on ‘Self’ Trust – where do you hold back, not trust yourself…your gut, intuition, instinct in coaching conversations. Is there any pattern to this?
What’s Holding You Back – what stopping you from speaking up or feeding back to your coachee? What are you afraid will happen if you say what you are seeing, hearing or challenge something that has come up? Be honest and specific about this…what are you believing will happen, worse case?
Be Brave, be IN the conversation – what will it take for you to be brave, be bolder, be open and real? Is your fear of what may happen the reality? I suggest as worse its ‘unknown’ and only you can choose whether to take that plunge into the unknown. The choice is yours…

Please do let me know your thoughts, feedback…I’d love to hear them!

By Nicci

Lockdown Learnings #2 Rescue Drama Anyone?

So here I am with the second of my musings about the awe-some learnings I’ve had during this pandemic…this time all about the rescue drama!

From my last musing ‘What you Resist, Persists’ you may remember the premise of my realisation that all my challenges were already present in me and my mindset. The big illumination was really about how I was locking myself down in my leadership and life.

I suggest keeping this in mind as you read on. Where may you behaving this way in your own leadership or life? When does your care become fear driven…the hero…the fixer…the rescuer. And does this play out in a well-rehearsed, well-travelled, well known drama.

Tiara anyone?

The ‘Rescue’ Drama

So one of the other things that I noticed in my own behaviour during the early 2021 lockdown was how I launched into a ‘rescue’ attempt a couple of times. This was for those that I assumed were at risk of suffering – particularly emotional – suffering. We had a couple of serious illnesses in my family in the early part of this year and this is when I started to notice my behaviour around this scenario much more. I offered my heartfelt emotional support – but not in a I’m here lean on me way – but in heroic I have to save you way! I could feel the physical pull of fear in my body. Gosh I feel some shame as I type and remember this now…

So there I was, putting on my golden lasso of truth, my silver bracelets and a razor-sharp tiara. I realised later that this emotional ‘rescue drama’ was a behaviour/habit I developed from early experiences in my childhood – when I was really, really terrified. At the time I very much needed emotional strength and resilience from others. Sadly this was not what I got. Thus my young mind decided that I had to put myself aside and ‘take care of others’. My story was that I wasn’t important enough to be focused on. My young mind believed I was the cause of the suffering and I had to fix it – or fix me so others would be happy.

What Does This Behaviour Matter?

For me I realise – as an adult – this can be a form of hiding out. This can have a huge impact on my willingness in leadership. When I invest my time and energy in ‘saving’ others I’m not looking at myself or my own leadership. Not looking at what is really going on for me, for others or actually what I or they are truly capable of. And most importantly for me as a leader and a human being it meant more fully embracing my own wants/needs. In my personal context this was not being a ‘coach’ or emotional crutch to my family. Of course I want to supportive, compassionate and empathetic. But that is enough. They are adults. They are more than capable of choosing to ask for support if they need it. And actually this is an important process in their own development, particularly self-esteem. I can actually do them a disservice with my rescue drama, which doesn’t encourage them to take responsibility for themselves. I’m feeling tearful and heartfelt gratitude now as I type this, for me there is such a bigger piece on offer. To really get deep down that my wants and needs matter equally.

This is vital as a leader, holding my space as an equal whilst also modelling this and facilitating this for others. This is how we work – and excel – as a high performing team.

The ‘Rescue’ Drama Triangle

A rescue drama theory well researched and documented in psychotherapy is the Karpman Drama Triangle. For myself the drama I’ve engaged at times has been the back-and-forth victim/rescuer. Here I am the Hero! I shall sweep in with my masterful qualities and fix you and your problem! In my experience though, the hero/rescuer usually makes many assumptions about what the victim is thinking, feeling and wanting. Really their ‘rescue’ or ‘fix’ is a projection of their own thoughts, feelings and wants. Because really how would they know what the ‘victim’ wants or needs? When I’ve been in this role my purpose is to reduce MY fears in the rescue drama – with MY idea, solutions or ‘fix’. This is not a scenario where my victim is empowered or included in the discussion. There’s little or no ‘we’re in this together’ attitude, which again is vital for a high performing team – and for innovation. I’ve popped on my tiara and bracelets and I’m off on my crusade!

The Empowering Value of Coaching

For myself these days as a coach, one of the vital skills and elements of self-mastery has been the ability to notice and step away from any form of rescuing/fixing. So you can imagine my surprise when I witness myself doing this behaviour with my loved ones. It was a shock my friends. And an absolute gift to be woken up to how this has played out in my leadership and life ♥. Only when we are awake and aware can we change our behaviour.

For me the practice to ‘get myself out of the way’ is a huge part of the reason I adore coaching so much. This is both as a professional and as a concept. When I’m there awake and aware, I am FOR my coachee and myself in a way that is empowering – and can sometimes be a transformational energy in itself. How I show up, my ability to be in-tune and aware of myself is essential to my coachees empowered experience. If at any time I believe I know how they or their path should be, the conversation has become limited and more about me not them. There is no empowerment in me believing the illusion that ‘I know best’.

Who or What Creates My Thoughts and Feelings?

What strikes me right in the heart about this idea of rescuing and fixing is the notion that I or you can make somebody else think or feel something. This notion that simply by something I do, say or don’t say – I can determine your thoughts and feelings. This is an incredible illusion my friends.

There’s a tool that I learned about 16 years ago when I took a powerful self-esteem course. This course, the concepts…tools…context completely transformed my perceptions of myself and how I’d been experiencing my life. I am to this day very, very grateful for this wake up. What I learnt was a complete eradication of the notion that I have the power to determine another human beings thoughts or feelings. This was HUGE for me, however it did mean…

Taking RADICAL Responsibility

If I don’t have the power to determine another’s thoughts or feelings, they also don’t have the power or ability to make me feel, think or believe anything. This means everything inside me comes from me, my own thoughts – not anything outside of me. Oh my! I can no longer abdicate responsibility for my own thoughts and feelings. I then don’t get to blame others for my feelings, thoughts, behaviour – including justifying my behaviour in light of how others are behaving. So what now?

What’s on offer is me taking complete responsibility for everything that is created from my own thoughts and feelings. And importantly the part I play in what’s created in any interaction. Can you imagine not blaming anyone of anything anymore for your mental or emotional state? When I was enlightened to this reality I really had quite mixed feelings. On one hand I felt scared as all my blame, justifications were no longer valid it seemed. And I felt excited as I felt this inner power knowing that at any time I could transform my perception and my experience of others, myself and the world.

Mastering Your Mind…

When I’m working with coaching clients in the arena of shifting behaviours, the awareness and reality of what is happening in the mind is essential to taking radical responsibility for our behaviour (the Event, the Mind and Our Reaction). Only when we acknowledge and wake up to the reality that we (our thoughts) – nothing else – creates our reactions will we be truly empowered. And a large part of the shift in behaviour patterns happens when we take full responsibility for our part.

This means stopping attaching to the illusion that others or anything outside of us create our state or behaviour. In my experience this is not an easy thing to master, I am still practising this after 16years. A practise well worth committing to though as this is where empowerment and freedom lives. And, sometimes the ongoing awareness of the illusion in itself can be transformational in our inner and outer experience of life.

What’s on Offer

So here’s my top 5 wonderful life-giving benefits to taking on and practising this reality:

Awareness – once we are aware of our thought patterns and beliefs we have the awe-some opportunity to change them, resulting in transformation of our experience
Tell the Truth – when we see how our thoughts/mind is ‘running the show’ we have the opportunity to be honest with ourselves and others. This in turn creates the opportunity to have more authentic, real relationships based on who we really are (essential self) rather than who our mind fears we might be (feared self)
Humanity – when we can see the reality of judgements, accusations and assumptions we are making about ourselves and others. This creates an opportunity to be human, compassionate and see the humanity in others
Interconnectedness – when we take full responsibility for our part, we can choose to see this as an opportunity to connect with ourselves and others rather than separate. We may even start to see the mirroring of ourselves in others and the beautiful interconnectedness that is on offer…
Freedom – when we tell those truths about our own fears, judgements and assumptions we FREE ourselves from the mental and physical tyranny that this creates. This does mean taking that radical responsibility BUT it also means we are free to value ourselves for who we are

What You Can Test for Yourself

So here’s an exercise for you to test this for yourself …

Event – recall an event where you remember yourself reacting, particularly negatively. What happened…it may be something somebody said or a specific moment that you didn’t want or like. Close your eyes, take yourself back to that moment and ‘tune into’ your mind and body…
Reaction (Feelings) – what are the emotional feelings (e.g. sadness, anger, resentment, hurt, disappointment)
Mind – what is your mind telling you about the event that happened? Look out for judgements, assumptions, accusations, conclusions…

The big question…are the judgements, assumptions, conclusions that are running through your mind actually true?

And…I have the ongoing opportunity for you to have a look at your own lockdown reflections. Here’s an invitation for you to complete a FREE lockdown learnings reflection exercise for yourself Lockdown Self-Reflections. You have the option to submit your responses and have some feedback from me if you would like to…

By Nicci

Lockdown Behaviour Change Learnings #1…

So here I am with the first of three musings about the awesome behaviour change learnings I’ve been having during this pandemic. Especially the lockdowns!

The Notion of ‘Restrictions’

I remember hearing a lot in the media and from leaders I spoke to about the struggle, difficulty with restrictions. Totally understandable of course, a massive shift in context can generate much resistance to change. I wonder though if this resistance was a big fat ‘NO’ to being woken up to all the things that we may have been avoiding or got attached to in our leadership and lives. Whether this was being stuck indoors, not going to events, too busy, relationships that weren’t working, physical distance, working at home, furlough, not travelling…the list goes on… For myself I resisted what I saw as the lack of freedom to be out and about. I resisted the lack of human/physical connection, the mundanity…and in a way the push from life to be with myself and at home, A LOT…

What Constitutes Freedom?

Interestingly I’ve recently completed a silent Buddhist retreat as part of my CPD and was reminded of the enlightening difference in their take on the notion of ‘attachments’ – or clinging as they call it. This is where we cling to things we have developed an attachment to, including habits and behaviours. What struck me is the difference in perspective of what constitutes freedom. In lockdown(s) the perception seemed to be that freedom was severely restricted or pressured, yet in Buddhism they teach that when we are attached we (or more so our hearts) are not free. And is it largely our attachments to things outside of ourselves that create ‘dukkha’… suffering. Maybe what was really restricted was avoidance and the escape routes that we’d constructed…

What Is Really Being ‘Locked Down’?

I notice in my own leadership resistance that what I was really avoiding was how I feeling. Essentially my resistance is to uncomfortable feelings that ranged from agitation, frustration, loneliness, fear, unease to boredom. I set about delving into my feelings, reactions and here’s some of what I uncovered:

Fears – FOMO…the fear of missing out, fear of scarcity, fear of loneliness, fear of being online too much. Fear that if I wasn’t ‘doing’ I wasn’t enough in some way or wasting time…
Beliefs – the belief that I was trapped, isolated, that the grass was greener in some future situation (especially where I could have what I wanted!)
Demands – that things should be different, that I had to know what the future was going to be, that I shouldn’t be feeling how I was feeling…

For me the beautiful, life giving thing about lockdown was the awareness that all these things were already present in me and my mindset. Lockdown didn’t create these, it just shone a bright effing light on what was already present. A massive magnification of ways I was already locking myself down in my leadership roles and life.

I am oh so grateful for this ♥

Is the Grass Greener?

The other piece that’s really struck me, especially in relation to behaviour change and attitude is ‘the grass is greener’. I can really get into this myself…this notion that ‘there’ is better than ‘here’. Wanting to be in some future reality where we get a result we want, get to do something we want, get to become something we’re not at the moment. In Buddhism they call this an attachment to the desire of ‘becoming…’. It really hit me that I can get into this internal demand – which then creates agitation – all because I am in some way attempting to insist reality is different.

I’m also pondering an additional piece about habits, behaviours we get attached to in leadership. Even simple things in our daily routine or automatic reactive behaviour(s). This was highlighted on my retreat too and got me thinking about unconscious habits. When do we question the purpose of ‘how’ we do things, how we behave, how we lead? For me on retreat this was an insightful reflection on how we (I) can become a slave to an unconscious habit. A habit that may have originally been put in place to support me or my team, but now has become something else. Is the habit actually serving me/us now or have we moved into a state of obligation? There is no freedom – agility or innovation – in obligation.

Mastering Behaviour Change…

I work all the time with clients in the arena of shifting leadership behaviours, especially those behaviours that are limiting, creating negative emotional reactivity or unwanted results. The process of self awareness and delving into what is driving behaviours is essential to mastering them. The driver(s), in my experience, are never about the actual behaviours themselves but the beliefs through which we constructed them (usually from previous experiences). This process is vital for behaviour change to:

Notice, Become Aware – bring the thoughts/feelings/beliefs that are in play up to conscious level
Tell the Truth – have the courage to go beyond fearful feelings and tell the truth about the beliefs and the grip they have on us as leaders
Willingness – to commit to practising awareness and consciously choosing something different. Choosing a different response which serves ourselves, our teams, our communities and greater reflects our deepest leadership values.

What You Can Ask Yourself

So here’s some reflective questions for you…

Habits/behaviours – what habits or ways of behaving are you holding onto as a leader that are no longer serving you? What would it take for you to be open to something different…
The Grass is Greener – what ‘there’ is perceptively better than your current ‘here’. Is there a future scenario that your mind has as its ‘salvation’ or ‘perfection’. What could you appreciate in the here and now…
Resistance to Reality – what are you demanding, right now, that should be different to how it is? This could be a result, how your team or colleagues are or how a situation is. What is your payoff for holding this resistance? Payoffs can be things like being attached to being ‘right’, being superior, avoiding being honest, avoiding vulnerability, avoiding facing reality…

By Nicci

Self-Stewardship & the Law of Karma…

So, I’ve been doing a 21-day abundance meditation challenge for the last week and I’m loving it!

What’s been somewhat surprising though is the coming together of 2 themes that have been emerging for me over the last 18 months – the first being Trust. Not at all the sense of trusting of others or even myself. My self-trust has been exponentially honed from coaching practise and numerous other pieces of development.

The trust I’m talking about is trusting the universe, life, whatever you want to call it. This notion of not just trusting what is or isn’t happening – but the much BIGger trust that there is always other possibilities and endless MORE. More of me, more of others, more possibilities, more money, more time – and even if there isn’t it’ll all work out anyway.

One of the golden gems that came up in my 21-day challenge today was the realisation that Truth and Honesty are at the core of my being. Telling it, asking for it, living it. This for me means being INtegrity with my soul. And this I have learnt is success for me and always will be – inside not outside. I meet many people who believe that their state, results, happiness is determined by what’s going on outside of them. I used to believe this myself. Now I realise – something I’ll be eternally grateful for – I create my experiences, no one or no-thing else does.

The second emergence has been so very connecting and grounding is Giving. And here I’m not at all talking about monetary giving. I’m talking about giving my heart, time, compassion, unconditional love and kindness.

And Unconditional Generosity. Interestingly what popped up in my meditation today was ‘the Law of Karma’. We reap what we sow…

So what’s been evolving in me is a natural congruence in being generous with my soul. I have some sadness as I realise this depth of wanting to give of myself has come about from – at times – utter despair from not creating some of the things I dearly want in my life.

I’m tearful as I feel this sadness and at the same time grateful that I’ve got to experience what its like to be free. Free of the demands I used to have on myself to get the result I wanted – attached, stressed and then the ensuing wave of disappointment when I didn’t get what I wanted. Grateful that I know how to recognise when I’m in auto-pilot and can consciously choose trust over fear – getting into that ‘busy’ drama which is really about fear of scarcity or impossibility.

And I also self-remember that it’s not over yet! And I’m a very tenacious lady. What’s been really beautiful is honing my tenacity in a way that embraces serenity and vulnerability. Interestingly since I’ve been embracing just giving, I’ve noticed there’s much more of me in everything I do and I’m attracting much more of what I want into my life.

One of the concepts that’s really resonated with me today is this idea of Stewardship – taking great care of the things that we value. Making choices that are generous to ourselves and others – as they are grounded in a sense of endless more and possibility. Grounded in ‘we are one’ and connecting. The other way – as can be so very common in leadership and teams – of choice making that is grounded the ego’s fear of scarcity or survival. Cultivating a ‘me first’ attitude – separating.

There is enough, there has always been enough and there always will be. And of course in that there’s trusting it’s all exactly how it’s meant to be…

What I love about what came to me in ‘stewardship’ is this way I’ve learnt to reflect all learning – it starts at home. So how about Self Stewardship, taking care of yourself as something of great value. Love it!

How About a Challenge?

So here’s 3 questions and challenges for you:

Choices – where are you making choices that are fear based? Not enoughness or with limits. Not enough time, not enough money, not enough resources or there are limited opportunities, choices, possibilities. You’ll know it’s fear based when you feel any kind of tension, anxiety, stress in your body. Challenge: for 7 days NOTICE when you are choosing out of fear and make a different choice. Breath into the fear and trust;
Giving Conditionally – where do you give or engage conditionally?What’s the payback or payoff? This could be your time, your % of effort, your 100% willingness. Challenge: Practise giving unconditionally for 7 days, check in with your heart and choose what to give 100% to – regardless of the outcome;
Self-Stewardship – where are you not putting your gas mask on first? Do you treat yourself as something of great value that matters? Challenge: Identify 2 ways that you could daily fill up your own tank and do this for 7 days.

Namaste ❤

By Nicci

No Strings Attached…?

Well Happy New Year!

It’s a funny thing isn’t beginning a new year – my mind likes to get into believing that I should make a ground-breaking discovery on 1st January. Or I should have this sense of ‘this is it!!’ followed by some sort of epiphany to do less of something/more of something else…

The truth is for me is that I did realise at in the early days of this year that I have been on an incredible, deliberate journey of self discovery during 2019. I really trusted the deep need I felt inside to regroup, re-discover myself and realign with my soul.

And this journey was essentially me shining a bright fucking light on my life, disrupting it, throwing some mental and physical attachments up in the air – seeing what fell back down. The vital piece…my purpose was to get aligned with my soul and my integrity that supports this. This really has been (and continues to be) a profound exploration in getting to know myself with a specific intention to keep looking within. To keep letting my soul guide my leadership and my daily life.

You see I had a sense of great dissatisfaction towards the end of 2018. I’d been evoked as a result of various life events that I’d experienced – both professionally and personally. It seemed like I was literally jolted into reality, mainly from the big resistance at times to what was happening. Or sometimes what wasn’t happening. Something was ‘off’, something didn’t feel congruent and that something was me!

Sitting here right now remembering, and acknowledging actually, how much I have thrown myself into this intention of unpicking and freeing myself up is very grounding. Getting to know me. Getting connected with what I really want – from a place of ‘anything is possible’ rather than ‘something is wrong and I need to fix it’.

And so ensued no less that 7 retreats, an ongoing exploration of Buddhism, setting clearer boundaries, more saying no, more being fearless and letting go of behaviours, roles, relationships, beliefs, ways of being that were not serving me – or were not congruent with who I am and what I stand for.

I spent large amounts of time reading, watching videos, completing courses, reflecting, being coached, processing and debriefing. A ‘drilling down’ if you will on questions like: What do I really want? What am I accepting that is incongruent? What excites me? What do I really care about? What do I want to give my time and attention to? Who am I and what is my life about REALLY?

This was very painful at times – the loss and grief of letting go and the huge fear of trusting that all would be ok in the end. And there has been amazing moments of utter awe and joy in what I’ve discovered. I’ve been evoked in ways that I never imagined was possible.

What I didn’t realise in the midst of this – when it was all happening, changing, landing – was that I was in much bigger space of UNKNOWN. Seems funny to share about this now as it seems obvious that everything is unknown, all the time. But for me it has been a pretty fearful place at times – consciously, deliberately letting go of particularly behaviours that I have employed for 30+ years – and not knowing what the fall out would be. It hit me how for most of my life I’ve held onto a number of things purely out of fear of losing something or someone. So I started to consciously embrace loss and go for fearless letting go and TRUST instead. Argggh!

Tears have come into my eyes now as I recall how I spent a time in hospital having an ‘emotional crisis’ when I was very young. Back then I really didn’t know how to handle my emotions or what was coming up in my life – the unknown of it all. Within this early experience I remember mostly is being frightened, living with a day to day fear of not knowing whether I was safe and whether I would find my way home.

Working through all of this and releasing, connecting, discovering has connected me powerfully with who I am and what I care about. I recognise these days that I have an innate capacity for honour, acceptance and huge depth of unlimited compassion for human suffering. This is precious to me as I truly value being able to ‘get in’ with others when I see self limiting beliefs, behaviours or blind spots. And I SEE a lot. This depth has evolved as I’ve been willing again and again to look at my own beliefs and face my fears. I have a tenacious strength and commitment to getting free again and again. Getting back to a YES to myself and a YES to how it is.

So my friends, one of the deeper learnings that I am very grateful for in my exploration (particularly Buddhism) is that when I free myself from ‘attachments’ my mind expands, opens up and my heart is free. I’m willing and open to be with life as it is – not as my mind gets into believing it should be.

In leadership this is VITAL – the ability to be open, agile, responsive. The willingness and ability to be aware, pull out self insight and thus respond from a ‘clear space’. Not from a space that is pre-conditioned, pre-loaded or fixed. How often do we see or hear leaders that go into the same auto-pilot behaviour or reaction, regardless of the context? Where do you do this in your leadership or life?

One of the biggest, most effective things I have ever learnt as a coach and as a leader is to trust myself, trust my instinct and be brave. This has always served me well. In fact this has created powerful connection, insight and opportunities. The upshot is though – to enable this to happen – we must free up what’s in our way. The unconscious beliefs, the conditioned thinking, the fears. The willingness to look within, to face those fears and limiting beliefs, and to keep doing so is crucial.

One of the amazing ways I’ve learnt to shine a light on these fears is to become aware of and let go of attachments. We all have them. So here’s a suggestion and challenge for you…

Suggestion

Start noticing what you are attached to. You’ll know you are attached when you have a strong desire, physical or emotional reaction to something you want in your leadership or life. There will likely be a physical ‘pull’ or mental tension, drivenness.

Challenge

Are you willing – right now – to shine a light on and even ‘give up’ one of your attachments? These could be:

Results – ‘getting’ something. Could be a yes from someone, winning something, producing something, achieving something…anything. Also ‘proving’ something…who you are…what your capable of…that you can ‘get’ results etc
Views/Opinions – hands up who likes to ‘be right’? What we’re looking for here is any attachment to you being ‘right’ and someone else being ‘wrong’. Is your way the right or only way? Could as simple as how you cook pasta!
Possessions – having or keeping something. Device anyone? I mean how would it be if you didn’t look at or check your devices for 48hrs? Another good one here is any kind of ‘status’ possessions…
Context/environment – any attachment to your environment being different. This could be things like peace and quiet, noise, how something looks, how someone behaves. Does that man really need to slurp his drink so loudly?

Interesting isn’t it?

Start with one small thing. All roads lead to Rome. I remember reading one of my many Buddhism books where one of the monks was speaking about their journey in ‘giving everything up’. The hardest one for her was her views/opinions. This clinging to being ‘right’ – so common for this to be an attachment to our identity or self worth…

By Nicci

The Art of Letting Go…

MY or NO way? How often do we not get what we want…the results we wants, the response we want.

I’ve been pondering this on a much deeper level after experiencing an intense Buddhist retreat a few weeks ago. This notion of REALLY letting go of everything – even if it’s in this moment. I mean everything, every desire, pleasure, want, attachment, aversion, resistance…all of it.

This was a most intriguing experience, this ability to truly be at peace with everything – just as it is. And of course the crux of all this was being at peace with myself, just as I am. At any given moment that may be happy, sad, excited, anxious, disappointed, joyful, tense, serene, angry…any number of different states or feelings…

I’ve been having a very challenging time personally and professionally this year – on and off – after deliberately disrupting and changing various elements of my life. This has been, and continues to be, a combination of letting go of things that aren’t serving me, taking a stand and honouring myself more. Being more real and authentic. Who knew there were so many layers to this?!

I realise now that my hope was this was nearing completion – however life has had different ideas. This has meant – especially in the last few months – being in very big ‘don’t know’ space with myself, my purposes and in some of my most precious relationships. At times I’ve found this utterly uncomfortable, disorientating and frightening. And on the flip side this is proving to be liberating, expansive, revealing, exciting – and the thing I’m most enjoying is a growing sense of my self expression and more of ME emerging. As a leader and as a woman.

As part of this I have been consciously practising the art of trusting. And the art of welcoming loss actually. Trusting that things will work out even if I let things I care about go…trusting that all will be well…trusting that the universe ‘has my back’ and the powerful vision I am holding for myself is being created. Even if I cant see it yet. Que sera sera eh? I made myself really smile yesterday by writing a mantra about what I’m aiming for “trusting deeply that I can master trusting deeply”…

This may seem like a hands off leadership strategy but I tell you what my friends, in a letting go space there is a natural alignment with things as they are. An alignment with the ability to go with the flow of life, event by event, adapting and course correcting. Not being attached to a particular path or how we get there opens up a world of possibilities. This isn’t about being passive but actually actively managing our energy to be allowing, accepting, conscious and responsive. Seeing what emerges. Focusing on the here and now, responding to what’s actually happening rather than being tied to a fixed idea of how it ‘should be’.

I share this partly because it seems to be so ingrained in our culture this push to ‘get’. Get ahead, get something or get somewhere. As if the goal of our lives was to get more and more – and as fast as possible. What’s the purpose of that? How about slowing down and enjoying the ride, being more fully present to the ride. We need a bigger purpose, a bigger vision to see us through – especially when the going gets tough.

One of the things I LOVE about purpose is that there always is one, whether we are conscious of it or not. One of the most revealing exercises I’ve ever done is to make a list of my actual behaviour with different things and then ask myself ‘what’s my purpose?’. Our real purpose is always revealed in our actual behaviour.

So if your driving, demanding, insisting on having things your way – in a fixed mindset about anything – maybe what’s required, essential even, is some letting go. In that space peace and freedom can be found. The space of awakening to life as it is – not as we demand it to be.

I’ve worked with many leaders who struggle to delegate, let alone empower their teams. So this is where the challenge eh – letting go and trusting.

And of course this all starts at home. Can you let go and be with yourself just as you are, right now?

You can access your free copy of my ‘Five Leadership Powerhouses’ right here, right now…!

By Nicci

New Year…New Inner You?

Wow the New Year can be such a catalyst can’t it? For me the build up to Christmas and that momentum of switching over to a new year has created a fire in me to change!! How about you?

I spent quite some time during the build up to Christmas reflecting on what behaviours I wanted to develop, master, enjoy. Yes enjoy! The major theme for me has been about focusing more on the quality of the moment – the NOW, each present moment. As ever my focus is on how I am BEing, not what I am DOing.

It’s very easy isn’t it to focus on changing things external to us – getting into New Year’s resolutions that focus on the DOing to improve our lot or indeed fix something that we perceive to be a failure or weakness of how we are.

So for me development, personal and professional, is predominantly focused on BEing not DOing. How do I want to BE different, how do I want to create or change a behaviour.

‘Our attitude is like perfume…people can smell it’. And we get what we get as a result.

A few insights occurred to me during my period of reflection:

Fixing – the momentous amount of time I’ve spent trying to ‘fix’ something about myself has been huge! This is all good because it has lead me to where I am now. However, acceptance of me as I am and where I am is really where I can propel myself to come alive and step forward
My Experience – EVERYTHING that I experience is happening on the inside, not outside of me…particularly my perception of myself, others, the leadership context. This perception dictates how I behave
BEing – I can DO a lot of things, however how I am BEing whilst I am doing them is what makes a real difference to me, my leadership and the resulting impact

Thus right now, in the context of behaviour change, I realise some of my biggest learnings in all the 20 plus years I‘ve been proactively developing myself comes down to 3 fundamental things:

Willingness, openness, acceptance – this is never ending…
Getting off self condemnation…again…and again…and again…
Challenging…my beliefs…perceptions…assumptions…

I shared in my last article about the ‘Building Inner Confidence for Professional Impact’ on-line course that I have spent the last 18 months developing. At the crux of this are some of these insights…especially the approach that the course isn’t a sticking plaster. It’s a combination of the last 20 years of self insight and learning.

It’s not about telling yourself that you are this or that or indeed that anything external is going to give you the confidence or assurance you want. The course is asking you to be willing to go inside, dig deep and see what’s there. Pick at the uncomfortableness, see what your perceptions and beliefs are about yourself. See that those negative beliefs and perceptions are fundamentally complete rubbish! And the real truth is something only you can discover because that is inside you – or is yet to be revealed. That’s empowernment my friends…

Writing this I remember how scared I was to go inside me and take those first steps. So I have a huge empathy with anyone who may be feeling terrified, apprehensive, scared, anxious about doing so. I was so fearful that I’d find something awful, something fundamental about me that was just life changingly terrible. Or something that would mean all my concerns and fears were actually true. I was a liability, a burden – and essentially not good enough. Well of course I didn’t find anything like that. It was all hot air, fears, complete crap, self created illusion. Hard to know that though right? Unless you take that courageous first step…

So here we are…a New Year and the golden opportunity to use this catalyst, this energy to fuel change. Take the plunge to invest in yourself and your ongoing journey that is your life and leadership…

What’s the worst that can happen? Or more importantly what’s the amazing BEST of you that could emerge?

By Nicci

Obligation in Leadership – Does it Serve you Well?

There’s a motivational state that has been evident around me the last few weeks and months – and in myself sometimes – obligation.

Do you know this one? It’s the state of mind we can get into with a commitment that sounds like:

I have to go along, see this through, keep going…
I can’t say no – or what I really think…
I’m bored…frustrated…tired…distracted
This isn’t working…this isn’t what is should be…this should be…
So-and-so doesn’t know what they are doing…
I’ve tried to change it but it doesn’t work, if I say anything it won’t make any difference
Here we go again…
I have no choice…

So you show up for a meeting and this is your state of mind. ‘Going through the motions’ comes to my mind as I’m writing this. I have done this many times! Something at some point may peak my interested, but other than that I’m 50% – sometimes – 25% in.

At some point I said YES to this commitment and now I’m acting out a NO.

And then what most likely nicely piles up is resentment and/or resignation. We then go about (consciously or unconsciously) playing this out with some of the following behaviours:

Distracted, disengaged, not giving our full attention (playing with our phone is a popular one)
Withholding of information, knowledge or contribution
Acting bored or indifferent
Not really fully participating or speaking up about what one is unhappy or frustrated about
Moaning, complaining – we do like to do that don’t we!
Colluding with others outside of the meeting to diagnose ‘what’s wrong’
Mentally justifying one’s own disengagement, inactivity or lack of attention

We are literally rejecting or resisting the situation right now – AS IT IS. Well we have tried haven’t we?

The thing is when we show up in a state of obligation, not only are we not taking responsibility for our part – we have also already condemned the situation as ‘over’. We have closed the door our willingness to see possibility, get creative or be open to the conversation as it is happening. There is nowhere to go after that. Obligation is the path we are on and there’s a perceived self preservation in that – and a nice familiar place to hide out – being a martyr or a victim or ‘knowing better’.

There’s a big fat NO in us and the essence of that will trickle out affecting the atmosphere. And of course the ensuing resentment is like poison, slowing sucking the life out of everything. This may sound dramatic but it’s very real when it happens and can be extremely toxic in an organisational culture.

As Nelson Mandela said:

‘Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die’

My question is: Would you really want to keep this going? We all play a part in the context, what’s created in any given moment. You have the absolute power – at any time – to choose something different. To choose a different way to BE and behave.

Don’t underestimate how much one person’s willingness – yours – can affect the atmosphere and outcome. As a very wise person once said to me ‘your way of being, your behaviour are like perfume – people can smell it’.

People in high performing, empowered cultures show up much more in a motivational state of willingness. A willingness to be open, to say what is so for them – even if this is uncomfortable. There’s a willingness to be honest, fully participate, focus on the quality of their own experience and that of the team. There’s a willingness to be uncertain, creative, uncomfortable, collaborative. They take personal responsibility for the part they play and how this contributes to the bigger picture.

So here are five suggestions and insights that I’m hopeful will support you (and indeed the bigger picture in your own organisational culture):

Purpose – what’s your purpose for being there? For saying yes in the first place. Is your purpose still valid or true? Are you and/or the team getting what you came for? Is your purpose big enough to see you through when things don’t go how you would like? Sometimes admitting to ourselves that we don’t want something anymore or it’s not working out is tough. And letting go can take huge amounts of courage…however it can also create room for discourse, something else, other ideas, people or possibilities…
Choice – Is it really true that we have no choice? There may be consequences to making a different choice – however I put it to you that this is not the same as not having a choice. What we can always choose is how we are with the choices we make. There is a big psychological difference and impact between and attitude of ‘obligation’ and ‘willingness’
Are you IN or OUT – in light of your or the team’s purpose, do you really to keep going? Is it serving you, others or the purpose to keep going? Are you contributing in the way you want to? Are you creating the results you want? What needs to happen for you/the team to be more engaged, committed…fully IN…100%
Tell the TRUTH – if you are not happy or don’t what to be there. Speak up, leave, say no, let go. Tell the truth about how you are feeling and what you’d like to see change. No guarantee of course that you will get what you want! Have your voice though, even if it is not what others want to hear. You do yourself and others a disservice by not speaking up. I can’t count the times I have been fearful to say something and then when I do there are countless others who say ‘yes, I thought that’. And then we have course corrected or cleared up what was in the way. Your willingness to be open and truthful creates the space for others to do the same
You – by being in a state of obligation the person who loses out most is YOU. You diminish your voice, you minimise your wants and needs, you minimise that fact that YOU matter and your contribution matters. Avoiding taking responsibility for yourself in this way also diminishes the part YOU can play in creating something different – whether that’s staying where you are or not. Contexts shift constantly – you can choose to change yours proactively and consciously or ‘ride along’ in obligation.

So, as always the choice is yours…